Think before you speak

   I have taken a break from writing for a few days as I was really feeling crappy and didn't want to fill this page full of it if I could help it. I seem to be coming out of it again now :)

  I've been thinking the last couple of days about words and the power that they can have over people without the person who speaks them realizing it. What is a throw away remark for one person could be very damaging for the person it is said to. It can be hurtful, humiliating or just downright mean.

  I've had my issues with peoples words affecting me extremely badly but I've decided now that I am NOT going to let what other people say or think control who i want to be or what I want to say. What gives them the right to put me down or mock me just because I am different to them and who made them my judge in the first place?

  If some people don't like me or think I am a "freak" so what? I don't need everyone's approval to feel good about myself. As long as the people I love and care about think well of me then screw the people who like to put me down just so they can feel a bit better about their own little lives.

 I am going to be so much more careful with what i say to people from now on. I have no right to put anyone down just as they don't have one to put me down. If people just consider what they say to someone before they say it maybe we would have a little less hurt around.

meh

   I went out last night and today i truly feel like shite. Not a hangover just depressed. Can't wait for my little man to come home so i can give him nice big cuddles and feel a bit better. I realized last night I am pretty much alone in my little reclusive world. I have like one friend in this town and the rest of my friends live in my computer...well on facebook but you get what I mean.

  The thing is I want to get out more and make friends but the thought of it terrifies me. I am just me and it seems that is not a very popular thing to be round here. But meh enough of the whining, I was hoping writing on here would be an outlet for some of the bad stuff but reading it back it just looks like whining.

   I know life is what you make it but at this precise moment I couldn't care less about anything other than my baby boy and a very good friend of mine who I wish was here. Sorry if you came here looking for the usual positive spin on stuff but i did warn you there would be downs on this ride...

Random Poem

  Bit of poetry today.


 I realized I was standing on the edge of life one day,
Watching everyone else go by,
Whilst I was sat there stuck in my way..

My life was slowly slowly slipping away,
I realized I had to begin to try,
Or where I was is where I'd stay.

So now i try to live for today,
To not sit and stew about why,
But love and laugh and even play.

Life is too short to waste away,
To sit and wallow and cry,
So make sure you value every day.


There we have it, my attempt at a poem :) It's not much but it's what i was feeling today and that is the whole point of this blog. To have an outlet for the random stuff that bounces round in my head. Have a good day where ever you are.

 

A son's love

    In my "about me" section I say i have a lot of ups and downs. I woke up on a down today. I try to shake the fog and pull myself out of it but its hard. I could barely get out of bed. But i got up, went downstairs and sorted out breakfast for my son and hearing his chatter and seeing his gorgeous little smile is starting to pull me out.

   My son is my world. He is the reason i get up most mornings and keeps me from being completely submerged in my depression. I worry so much that i am failing him. He is such a bright little boy, full of smiles and laughter. It heals my heart and soul just to look at him.

   I realize I am not alone in feeling anxious about failing my son. Most parents I know worry about it from time to time. Worry about whether they are a good parent, if they are doing right by their children and giving them what they need. As a good friend of mine keeps reminding me I give him an endless amount of love and  I try and give him stability and security despite my issues and the fact that we are a split parent family, these are what a child needs. Love, stability, security....its a good start i guess.

  Seeing him smile up at me and telling me he loves me makes my day.  I don't know if there is such a thing as god but my son is my little miracle and I can't quite believe how lucky I am to have him. He gives me the strength I need to carry on muddling through and striving to do the best i can. For him, for me and for us I WILL get better and be the best that I can be.He is my light at the end of the tunnel... I love you Tyler.

Unity

Charlie Chaplin Speech  <---- please click
 
    Please click on the link above and listen to Charlie Chaplin's final speech in the film The Great Dictator.

   This is linked with what i want to try and talk about today. In the video there is a political aspect but i am not going to get all political on you, I want to talk about the humanity and unity. All across the world today we see people being persecuted for who or what they are. Whether its because they are black, white, gay, religious or atheist, these are just some of the things that lead to hate and discrimination against each other. But why? Underneath our skin we are all human beings and as such deserve to be treated as equals no matter what our colour or creed.

   In this speech Chaplin notes how greed has poisoned men's souls and led to a world where our knowledge has made us cynical and our cleverness has made us hard and unkind. Unfortunately, all too often these days, this is becoming more and more frequently the case. All around the world we are seeing people suffering and we have become desensitized to the plight of our fellow man. Yes we shake our heads and say how sad but how many of us actually think about it for longer than the news report? I know i usually don't and that is pretty sad.

   We are all wrapped up in our own little worlds, closed off from the rest of our fellow man despite the technology which allows us to communicate, we remain isolated within ourselves. As Chaplin says the very nature of the technology cries out for brotherhood and unity, sadly though this is not the case. If anything i have seen technology used to further fuel hate and violence and discrimination, to cause death and destruction around the world.

   To quote directly from Chaplin's speech, "We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery, we need humanity. More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost."  Wise words. We should stop living so introspectively and start looking at what other people feel. Stop being so selfish and start working together for a better world. Yes this is idealistic and probably unrealistic but we have to have hope. Hope for a human race that will unify and live in harmony rather than hate. Hope for our future generations to live in a world where war and hate and suffering is a distant memory.  So if you only do one thing today try and make it a good thing, a random act of kindness or a good deed to help your neighbour, these are small things but hopefully they are the first steps toward a better place.


    

 

A slice of childhood

     My little boy found a tv channel that plays a lot of old style cartoons. Power rangers, digimon, ninja turtles, sonic....I watched most of them as a kid and it made me think about other little slices of childhood that brought back some good memories.

 
   When i was a little kid we would run out and play with our friends. There was a patch of wasteland behind an industrial estate which was really overgrown and had a patch of trees in. Nothing special but we spent hours upon hours down there. Making "bases"  and playing hide and seek and no doubt getting up to a bit of mischief.  We would be out for hours and our parents wouldn't worry that we'd been snatched or gotten lost as long as we came home when it was time for dinner or when mum or dad yelled out the door for us that it was time to come in. It was cool.

   Then there was the crazes that would come and go. Anyone remember pogs? I loved pogs and tazos and must have had thousands of them. For anyone who doesn't know what they were, they were little round cardboard discs that you and a friend would pile up face up then hit with a plastic disc (which we called a slammer) and whichever pogs landed face down you kept for your collection. It sounds pretty lame now but at the time it was massive. Then there was yo-yos, not a new craze but it came around again when i was about 12. Everywhere you looked in the school playground there was people "walking the dog" or going "around the world" with their yo-yo.

    Looking back on this side of childhood brings a sense of nostalgia for the simpler times. When the worst that you had to worry about was who was friends with who or what "swapsies" you had in pokemon cards.  I'm talking about before the worst of the bullying kicked in and when things just seemed easier. As a child we have a sense of wonder and adventure that is all too often lost as we get older. An innocence that is one of the true blessings in life. I think we should all take a leaf out of our children's book sometimes and just enjoy things for what they are and not worry so much about what they aren't. The world might just be a better place if we can keep a little of that childhood magic in our hearts.

Being Unique

   Yesterday I wrote about fear and how we should face our fears and live our lives and it got me thinking.
How many of us actually live our lives the way we want to? I mean how we really want to, being who we really are and not living our lives to other peoples expectations.

  I know I often hold back who I am, trying to conform to society's idea of normality. In fact the more I try I think the more I fail. But really that is a good thing. Who wants to be a sheep following the rest of the flock? We are all unique and should celebrate the differences in each other not pick them out and use them to humiliate or degrade.

  I was bullied terribly all through school and it really affected my confidence and self image. I started trying to be more like a "normal" girl with the hair and the makeup and all it did was draw more attention to me and the fact that I just didn't fit in. So I went back to me, no makeup or fuss with hair and just tried to stay invisible.

  Since then that is what I have pretty much always tried to do, not stand out. Whether it be hiding intelligence or wearing unremarkable clothes there are many ways I try to just be a face in the crowd for fear of being humiliated. There is that word again. Fear. Well like I said yesterday its time to face my fear and start living my life. I am unique and I should and will celebrate that fact. The people who matter to me will love me no matter what so its about time I stop with the putting myself down and start loving myself too. I am who I am and if you don't like it then you never really cared about me at all...

Living Life!

  FEAR.

  4 little letters that only take a second to say but can take a lifetime to overcome. We all suffer from fear at some time in our life, some more than others. Fear of failure, abandonment, phobias, all forms of fear that can have an incredibly profound effect on us.

   It holds us back and stops us living to our full potential. We need to face those fears and harness them to our advantage, grab life by the scruff of the neck and LIVE it! I am guilty of living in fear and letting it stop me from even attempting to be where i want to be. But I've finally decided to take those chances and risks, whats the worst that can happen right?

  Lets say for example i want to change career or go for a promotion at work but I'm too scared to try. If I don't try i don't lose but i also don't gain a single thing! At least if i face that fear i have a chance of going somewhere instead of staying in my rut. If i don't get the job/promotion will it kill me? No!  The worst that happens is I feel despondent for a few days but if I pick myself up and keep on trying who knows where i will get.

  As Franklin D Roosevelt said the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. If we allow our fears to conquer us we will never live our life to its full potential. Remember its YOUR life so its up to you, are you going to start taking those risks and make the most of life? Or are you going to stay stuck in the same old place for the next however many years you have and end up looking back saying i wish...? I know which I'm Choosing!!  LIVING LIFE!
 

yay :)

So here it is, my first post, yay! 

   This blogs going to be an outlet for my thoughts, feelings and just general ramblings.

If i happen to pick up a few readers on the way that is great and i hope you enjoy what you see :)

  I'm not guaranteeing it will be interesting or fun but it will be random!